Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Crossroads **Edited**

After a fun, glorious day with my kids, my sister and her brood at the beach yesterday, I hit a snag. A horrible, unpleasant, repeated experience with Nicholas that has me confused about which way to go. I'm talking about team sports.

Nicholas played soccer last fall as a kindergartener. It was a so-so experience. Some days he enjoyed it and did well, and others, well, they sucked. He'd cry about something, want to quit, you name it. But we got through it. Then, in the spring, he played t-ball. It went much the same as soccer had. Some days were great, some weren't. He liked being with his friends, but didn't seem to love the sport. Crying and carrying-on were involved numerous times.

Nicholas has always been a sensitive boy. He's prone to melt-downs and crying when things get hard for him. He has a bit of a perfectionist streak, too, which only compounds the problem. If he can't do something perfectly the first time he gets upset. And he doesn't cope with being
upset well. He cries. He screams. He makes an ass of himself by causing a gigantic scene. And then he becomes irrational. He'll say stuff like, "but I don't know what the coach wants me to do!!" with tears streaming down his face, clutching at my shirt like a 2-yr old. So I'll say, "well, how can we solve this problem? I don't know what you're supposed to be doing, either, so let's go talk to your coach and ask him. I'll even go with you." Reasonable, right? WRONG! If you're Nicholas, that message didn't sink in. He'll then default to, "but I don't know what you MEAN! Wah!" Huh?!? What about "lets go talk to your coach and find out what you're supposed to be doing" didn't you understand?? So I'll re-phrase. And he'll still say he doesn't know what I mean. I think it's a defense mechanism on his part. He feels scared and overwhelmed and inadequate - or something - and this is his way out.

It's sooo hard for me to deal with. Admitting to my own parenting short-comings, I have very little tolerance for this behavior. Every.Damn.Time I have to pump him up. I have to talk him off the led
ge. I have to deal with his freak-outs and the (mostly compassionate) stares, looks, glances from the other parents. Who are mostly thinking they're glad it's my kid and not theirs behaving this way. I hate it. I try to be encouraging, with lots of, "you can do it!", and "well, let's take a quick break and just watch for awhile and see what they're working on" comments. When those fail and he's still acting like a petulant 2-yr old I go to the tough-talk. The "this is ridiculous! Why are you over here crying like this? You're doing fine! Now get back in there and try, try again! I'm not listening to you when you're crying and freaking out for no good reason." type of commentary. Usually, I can get him to go back and finish the practice, but it sucks, plain and simple. I'm so beyond sick and tired of this song and dance we seem to have to do each and every goddamn time. I know he's just this way and try to just deal with it, but it's hard. None of the other kids, by age 6, seem to do this the way he does. He's quickly getting a reputation as the big cry-baby, I'm sure. He doesn't seem to mind freaking the fuck out in front of everyone yet. When does that kick in?

Which brings me to yesterday. Nicholas did great at the beach with his cousins. He played in the sand, jumped the waves, laughed - it was wonderful. There wasn't a tear or a whine all day long. Beautiful day. We get home and move into dinner mode so we can get to soccer practice. We're a bit crunched for time so instead of walking to the park we drive. Nicholas seems fine as I put on his shin-guards and shoes. He's not starting to whine and complain as I hand him his water bottle. He gets in the car and we go. And then it starts. The, "I HATE soccer!" and "MooOOMmMMM, I don't want to go to practice!" whining. We park the car and I pull out the chair and Lauren's tricycle. I'm urging the kids to hurry up and get out of the car so we can get to practice. Look! I see the other kids! Let's go! I hold Nicholas's hand reassuringly and we walk to the practice field. We realize we forgot his ball. I say to the coach, so Nicholas can hear, "Coach, it's my fault that Nicholas doesn't have his ball for practice - I forgot it at home. Could he use an extra one of yours tonight?" Sure, he says, and gets a ball for Nicholas. I set up the chair, make sure Lauren is OK happily riding her tricycle along the path right behind me, and settle in. WITHIN 5 MINUTES Nicholas starts up. He was reluctant to join the practice and something about the stretching tweaked him out and he ca
me running over to me, face crumpling and tears shooting out of his eyes. I have to take a deep breath. The coach is behind him, telling him it's ok and telling me he doesn't know what upset him. He tells Nicholas to come back to practice whenever he's ready. He's a really nice coach. Nicholas is really upset, grabbing my shirt and burying his face into my chest, howling, but not able to tell me what's wrong. I calm him down blabbering some nonsense and tell him he needs to get back to practice, his team is waiting for him and counting on him. Same crap as always. He's unsure, but willing. I walk him to the edge of the field, find him his ball, and return to my seat. He just stands there on the sideline. A parent, someone he knows, squats down next to him and says something encouraging, nudging the ball towards him. Nicholas becomes unglued and rushes back to me, crying. Again. And I'm done.

I stand up, pissed off, and tell him we're done and we're going home. I'm done playing this game wit
h him and won't put up with it anymore. This ups the ante and he's mad. No longer sad, he starts screaming, "NOOO!! We're NOT going home! I WANT TO PLAY!" wah wah wah. He was really making a big spectacle of himself. I mean big. People way across the park started looking over. I simply ignore him and march back to the car to load up the chair and tricycle. Nicholas is still standing in the same place, screaming and crying and making a giant ass of himself. Lauren, bless her, is just sort of confused but doesn't add to my stress. She's so easy. She calmly comes to the car and gets in her seat. Nicholas, on the other hand, is now threatening to hit me. Between choking sobs he's demanding to stay and saying he's going to hit me. I tell him he'll regret it if he hits me. He does anyway - a pathetic bitch-slap on my arm. And he knows he's pushed it too far and immediately starts to run away from me. Homey don't play that, so I catch him in under 10 steps and have to physically carry him back to the car and put him in his seat. Never have I wanted to spank so badly. I didn't, but I really, really wanted to. I'm grim. I'm embarrassed by the ugly scene we've just caused. I'm really angry.

I tell Nicholas that we're going home, he's getting in the shower, and then going immediately to his room for the rest of the night. That I don't want to talk or see him for the rest of the evening. That his behavior was completely unacceptable and he needs to think about it by himself for awhile. He's practically barfing he's screaming and crying so hard.

Of course I can't NOT say something to him. I felt myself being super harsh and then the softer, mommy instinct kicked in and I wanted to help him. I wanted to make it better. He knew he blew it and was trying to be really nice to me as he was getting undressed for his shower. Lots of "thank you, Mama's" and "please's" were forthcoming. After his shower, as I was helping dry him off, I told him how much I loved him. That I would always love him, no matter what. That I didn't think he was a bad kid - he was a great kid - but that sometimes the way he behaved was bad. It was very rational and parental-like. He was no longer crying, but still had that jagged, broken breath you get after a really hard cry. Then Mr. Chick came home.

He'd gon
e straight to the soccer field from work. Another parent filled him in on what happened and he came home (this mom suggested he bring me flowers, having witnessed my level of pissyness first-hand). He took Nicholas down to the playroom to have a talk with him, man to man. Mr. Chick is just as sick as I am with this type of behavior from Nicholas. His immediate default to crying at every practice. After he sent Nicholas, crying again, to his room for the night we sat down and talked it over between us. I told him I was giving serious thought to withdrawing him from soccer and sports altogether. Clearly it's not something he enjoys enough to continue if this is how he continues to behave. When he's in a good mood, he's great. He plays and tries hard and has fun. It a joy to see. But if he's even a little bit tired or off, G-A-M-E O-V-E-R. We don't want to torture him - sports are supposed to be fun. A good way to learning teamwork, plus the sport itself, and a way to connect with and make friends the other players. And that's how it seems to be for the other kids. But not Nicholas. At least, not every time. So it's tricky. We want to teach him responsibility and commitment. He committed to this team and said he wanted to play. He needs to see it through and try his best for the team - they're counting on him, blah blah blah. But on the other hand, we don't want to scar him and make him hate sports too early. Maybe he's just too young. He's not overly athletic and isn't driven to compete naturally (not that the sports he does at this age are really competitive - they're not. But he doesn't "lose" well). It's just not in his nature. I'm not sure it ever will be. He's just young and taking longer than most to embrace this. It's hard on Mr. Chick, who IS athletic and loves soccer. He grew up playing it. He coaches it. It's his sport of choice. I think he was hoping Nicholas would be a player, too, and it could be something they could do together. A father-son bonding thing. Mr. Chick will take the kids to the backyard to to a field around the corner to kick the ball around on the weekends. Lauren loves it, Nicholas not so much.

So, we need to decide what to do. Do we pull him and leave our team a player short? Keep in mind
there are only 6 kids on the team, so losing one has a big impact. Or, do we continue to encourage and prop up Nicholas for the season and hope he comes to develop a level of enjoyment for the game and team over time? Is it worse to force him to continue, or let him quit? These are the questions we're wrestling with and there are no clear answers for us. A big part of me feels that we need to expose our kids to a variety of stuff so they can figure out what they like and enjoy and want to do more of. How can you know if you like something or are good at it if you don't try it? Nicholas is registered for a trial dance (ballet) class starting this Saturday with a very good dance academy. They're recruiting young boys and girls and offer a free 4-week trial for the kids - every Saturday for an hour for 4 weeks. We let Nicholas decide if he wanted to try it, and he thought about it for a day or so and said he did. He's nervous he'll be the only boy - a distinct possibility - but wants to do it anyway. I'm more than happy to let him, as is Mr. Chick. I don't know - maybe dance will click for him. Or maybe he'll pull another freakout meltdown in the middle of the studio. It could go either way.

So I'm asking: does/has/did your kid do this stuff? Should we push Nicholas to stay in soccer this season and see it though, or do we pull him (let him quit) and re-visit team sports in another year or more? What would you do?? Gah - parenting can be so HARD!

** EDITED**
Just wanted to give a quick update for those of you following along at home. After the Big Meltdown '07, we had ourselves several long conversations about where to go from here. Resolution is/was hard to find, but for now we're thinkin
g (and so far, Nicholas is in agreement) that we'll see this season out because we said we would. I want to teach and reinforce commitment and the honoring of obligations. I told Nicholas he didn't have to like it, but he had to do his best to get through it with a good attitude. And hey! Maybe, just maybe, he'd have some fun along the way (keeping fingers crossed here). But that once this season is over we wouldn't sign him up for another sport if he didn't want us to. We could take a break for awhile. He's down with this plan. So, last night was another soccer practice (2x/week schedule). I felt like I spent the entire day subtly prepping him. We had some stuff to do during the day, but I kept it low key. I noticed he was yawning in the car and forced some "quiet time" in the afternoon - in his bed - where I laid down with him and rubbed his back and blessedly he fell asleep and stayed down for a hour. Good power nap. We ate dinner a little earlier than usual so as to not be rushed before practice. All that stuff, which is good to do but gah! makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells anticipating another "scene". Like our whole day revolved around him and his delicate moods. But whatever - it must have worked because that practice was worlds away better than the previous one. He did fantastic. He was chipper and engaged. He smiled and kept at it. He even scored the first goal in the scrimmage. I did make him apologize to his coach for his behavior - I felt it important that he acknowledge it and make amends - and he did. Good boy. Then he cheerfully set about doing the drills and practices and whatnot. I got lots of thumbs-up's from across the field. The other parents offered lots of praise to him throughout the practice, which he thrives on for reassurance and confidence. It sort of seemed a little to ass-kissy to me, but again, I just went with it. One mother, the one who had told Mr. Chick what had happened when he showed up last practice, actually complimented me on how I'd handled it on Tuesday, claiming to be impressed with how consistent I was in the face of his tantrum. That blew me away because here I was thinking I just looked like a giant asshole the whole time. So anyway, it was a really great soccer practice and we really gave him good, positive strokes for handling it so well and doing such a great job. I told him that he needed to try to do that at every practice from now on and life would be golden. We'll see....

Comments:
MP -

I am a first-time commenter, but have read you since your i-parenting days. My son is a lot like Nicholas, only he is a year older. He is also very sensitive and prone to crying jags. This summer we have started seeing a family therapist to help us all deal with his sensitivity issues and general anxiety. It is so hard for us to feel like we always have to "manage" his emotions! Anyway, one of the things we've learned from the therapist is that kids who are extra-sensitive cannot be over-loaded with activities. Our therapist used the image of a cup which is brought to full easily (some people's cups are bigger than others). Even a good, fun activity can "fill up the cup". My first thought on reading your post was that the trip to the beach, though good, probably filled Nicholas' cup. The soccer on top of it was just too much. I have a tendency to pack our days, too, being very type "A" with a drive to be busy. I have had to learn that doing this almost always results in a breakdown from my son (my younger daughter, like yours, is much more easygoing). Anyway, maybe on soccer days, take it easy for a few hours before? Just some thoughts, take them with a large grain of thought! I wanted to lend some empathy, since I have SO been there with the "crybaby" son many, many times.

Anne OA
p.s. Sorry for the book-length comment!
 
Sorry, I meant to say large grain of "salt" not "thought"! DUH!

AnneOA
 
Hi MP,
I have to say that I feel for you. For what it is worth I did like what the previous poster said, I think that is a great suggestion.
I too have a son who is a bit on the sensitive side. He would also whine and cry at swim lessons or just not pay attention and waste time. I finely got fed up and told him that if he couldn't pull it together (I did use more kid friendly language) that he would not be allowed to have any sporting activities for 6 months (no soccer, swimming, skiing, etc). I figured that he just didn't have the maturity to deal with it and I as a parent needed to give him some time to mature. Low and behold he did pull it together and while he was not perfect he was so much better.
Hopefully either mine or the PP's suggestions will help.
Good luck and please let us know what you end up going.
 
MP-
I read your post earlier today and didn't have time to comment, but my thoughts were along the same as Anne - maybe doing too many things in one day is too much stimulation for Nicholas?? I'm with you on the making a committment issue. My feelings exactly, but I guess you may have to ask yourself "Does he REALLY want to do this?" By his actions, it would seem that he doesn't, but then again, does he behave in this manner when you have had a quiet, uneventful day? I guess I would ask mysself if there is perhaps a pattern. I can see where Mr. Chick would be disappointed but you have said yourself that Nicholas is a computer, intellectual kind of kid. It sounds like Lauren may be Mr. Chick's athlete :)
Hang in there. I think you handled it the way many of us would. I would have left too.
MCM
 
Hi MP -

First of all, I am so sorry about today. I have had moments like that with my kids, not about sports but other things and nothing annoys me more than completely irrational crying/fusing. We call that moment "a big old fuss" in my house and the kids know that at 5 and 7 they are much too old for that behavior and can point it out in other kids. I am sure you are horrified that your smart, well-mannered child who you obvious parent very well was having a "a big old fuss".

I remember what Brooke (Urban Earth Mama) said recently about Sachel's wild and inappropriate behavior at a wedding - that she needed to learn to parent the child that she got. I think Anna's comment was excellent about therapy, frankly if it was me I would start a prescription of Ativan or another anxiety drug to help ME stay calm. Does your husband's work offer an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? Usually you can get 5-7 appointments free with a local counseler who specializes in the issues you are facing. It is very private and the employee nevers knows if your husband is using it.

Does Nicholas have these issues at school, in PE or other activities? In truth, is this only a sports issue?

I have found my children's teachers, as well as my parents, wonderful guides as to helping me see my children with a more objective eye (both their good and not so good parts).

Please know that we all have moments as parents when our children horrify us. Stay true to your good parenting but realize that Nicholas' personality is different than yours and you may need assistance in helping guide him.

Also, I wouldn't let him quit. His team is counting on him and that is a powerful lesson. I would treat it like school - you go to school, there isn't an option not to. You can reevaluate at the end of the season.

Kat
 
Hi MP -

First of all, I am so sorry about today. I have had moments like that with my kids, not about sports but other things and nothing annoys me more than completely irrational crying/fusing. We call that moment "a big old fuss" in my house and the kids know that at 5 and 7 they are much too old for that behavior and can point it out in other kids. I am sure you are horrified that your smart, well-mannered child who you obvious parent very well was having a "a big old fuss".

I remember what Brooke (Urban Earth Mama) said recently about Sachel's wild and inappropriate behavior at a wedding - that she needed to learn to parent the child that she got. I think Anna's comment was excellent about therapy, frankly if it was me I would start a prescription of Ativan or another anxiety drug to help ME stay calm. Does your husband's work offer an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? Usually you can get 5-7 appointments free with a local counseler who specializes in the issues you are facing. It is very private and the employee nevers knows if your husband is using it.

Does Nicholas have these issues at school, in PE or other activities? In truth, is this only a sports issue?

I have found my children's teachers, as well as my parents, wonderful guides as to helping me see my children with a more objective eye (both their good and not so good parts).

Please know that we all have moments as parents when our children horrify us. Stay true to your good parenting but realize that Nicholas' personality is different than yours and you may need assistance in helping guide him.

Also, I wouldn't let him quit. His team is counting on him and that is a powerful lesson. I would treat it like school - you go to school, there isn't an option not to. You can reevaluate at the end of the season.

Kat
 
it's so obvious that this poor little boy isn't ready yet. playing around with his friends at a local park, yes. but organized soccer is just too much for him right now. maybe when he is 4th grade. i agree with the previous comment as well. he had a full day already at the beach. it was time to relax, eat a wholesome dinner, take a bath, read a book, and go to bed. my specific advice: listen to your child. he does not want to play organized soccer. it couldn't be any louder or more obvious.

i don't want to sound harsh but i don't want to sugarcoat it either.

good luck. and good luck to Nicholas.

http://www.utahyouthsoccer.net/tt_pushing.pdf
 
I have so been there with this issue - its hard - it sucks- and I'm still not exactly sure what to tell you because I really do believe it will get better with time. We had the issue with our oldest who is now 14 and as I look back I think the real problem is that he just was just too intense to deal with sports at that age. We start kids out in team sports very early now and while many do just fine, for some it is just too young. I went through the same thing and remember wrestling with pulling my own son out of soccer, not doing it because I didn't want him to be a "quitter." Now, I think I wasted too much energy on that. Perhaps its time to take Nicholas out of soccer and try it again in a year or two.

Hang it there.

Maureen
 
thanks, everyone, for your excellent comments and suggestions! I've been thinking long and hard about this, trying to really put my finger on the core of what's happening. And it does seem to be more connected with sports/organized activities than with other things like school and more casual past times. Also, it's unfortunate that the soccer practices (and recently, swim lessons this session) are in the evening. Nicholas has done some 1/2 day summer camps this summer and by and large, those go well. Most have been in the morning hours.

I think he is particularly sensitive to pressure. If he feels pressured he shuts down. He tends to have a first reaction of "I can't do it!" and back off vs. "hey, if that kid can do, so can I!" approach. Doing what other kids are doing has never been a motivator for him. See that kid ride his bike w/o training wheels? You could do that! "nope, I need my training wheels." He also needs a lot of reassurances and thrives on praise and acknowledgement. He needs his coach/teacher/instructor to recognize him. He's very, very hard on himself.

We have another practice tonight. I had an easy, low-key day yesterday to recuperate from the scene the night before and to not overwhelm going into swimming lessons. He did fine at swimming. I had to work my shift at the Y, during which was his lesson. He opted to go play in "fun club" for an hour beforehand - lots of running around in the sport court - and still did fine in his lesson. Great day overall. I've already mentioned soccer practice tonight to give him plenty of advance notice of what's coming. I told him I needed him to think about practice and how he's going to handle it. He's already responded with, "I hate soccer practice", so it's not looking good. I told him to just keep thinking about it throughout the day and we can talk more later. I asked him to really think hard about whether he wants to quit the team or not, or if he'd rather try try again and not miss out on the fun. I'm not sure if I'm going to let him skip tonight's practice or not. He may need a break from it.

Mr. Chick actually brought up seeing a therapist. We might look into that. I think WE need to learn better techniques to deal with Nicholas and help teach him how to cope with his emotions. He'll ALWAYS be this way in his core, he just needs the tools & experience to help him handle himself appropriately. That's our job as parents, and we're at a loss when it comes to him - neither of us were like this, so it's hard for us to truly understand or relate.

In so many other ways Nicholas excels. He's very smart, is reading way above level, probably too computer-saavy... loves to cook. He's very "rule bound" - likes things to be black and white, so to speak. When he makes something in his Easy-Bake, he's very precise and to-the-letter with the recipe and order of the instructions. No deviation. I think that's why sports are such an unpleasant challenge for him - lots of gray areas and winging it. He likes games with specific, known moves. Checkers, Sorry, Uno, for example. Where you rely on your brain and strategy. He doesn't care much for art. Give him a sheet of blank paper and he just stares at it, not having an idea of where to start. You have to plant the seed of an idea - what to draw, write, etc., and then he's ok. He now has a path to follow.

I think I'll probably give him the night off tonight but tell him I need him to finish the season because we said we would. Then we'll probably not sign him up for another sport/team for awhile and just let him do the school thing and focus there.

And whoever said Lauren is going to be our athlete is right - she's a natural and as opposite as Nicholas as a kid could be.

Except that they're both really happy kids for the most part. In that, they're the same. :)
 
i probably wouldn't pull him out yet but maybe give him 2 or 3 chances to show you he can handle it. And if he starts up, leave immediately. I wouldn't try to talk him into behaving. He shouldn't get any attention for the behavior. One warning then you leave. I think some people said he isn't ready for organized sports, however, sports start early andif you are hopefull for him to like and want to play sports you kind of have to start them early or else he will be that much behind which can be even more hard on a kid. He may not be a sports kid at all. But to pull him out right away says you are giving up, I personally would give him a couple more chances to show you he can behave appropriately. And if he can't, he goes home without you trying to talk him into behaving. He is old enough to know and the other kids will eventually make fun of him which won't be fun for him at all. Peer pressure can do wonders. Good luck, and I've seen a few kids like this and it can be really frustrating for the parents.
 
Therapy sounds like a good idea, MP. If Nicholas is like this at 6, what will he be like at 16? This can't be fun for him. And, we know it is definately not fun for you! Hang in there - I hope you find some coping mechanisms.
 
i'll be the one who doesn't sugar coat this situation.

Your son is sensitive and is different from you, Mr. Chick or Lauren. He's not ready or enjoying team sports why are you pushing him? He's telling you quite clearly he's not ready and your continuing to push.

Also if you *do* choose to continue him in soccer, than don't have a huge day at a beach with tons of stimulation and then expect him to like a soccer practice with that same expectation and stimulation.

I think you should look into a sport or activity that HE will like.

You can't make him into someone he's not, as Megan said parent the child you HAVE not the one you want.

good luck.
 
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