Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Scenes From A Morning

7:00 am - cue alarm

MP wakes up from a strange dream where Nicholas wasn't her son but her brother and she went to the same school with him and watched him perform in some sort of dance/cheerleading thing after which they had to walk home together in a town they've never been to, encountering various challenges and obstacles along the way - all in slow motion.

MP stumbles out of bed, throws on her bathrobe, and goes to wake up Nicholas and get him ready for school. She totally misses the olfactory clues as to this mornings specialness.

"ok, you keep getting dressed and I'll go start your breakfast."

"mama? why is there a big rock in our living room?"

"what?! A rock? Let me see"

"Ohmigod - YUCK! DON'T TOUCH IT! Abby you bad dog - where are you? DON'T GO NEAR IT, I'm serious. Abby pooped in the living room."

"Abby pooped? That doesn't look like Abby poop."

"I know it doesn't, but it is. Abby must have gotten sick last night. Come eat your breakfast."

"MP? I forgot to tell you last night but you can't use the kitchen sink today. It's clogged. I'll keep working on it tonight. The clog must be really deep."

"I can't use the sink AT ALL?" MP surveys the utter chaos in the kitchen of the aftermath of Mr. Chick's attempt to play a plumber. Pots under the sink partially filled with nasty water, nasty water filling the sink itself, lids to same pots on the floor, and a few scattered dirty dishes for good measure. Takes a deep breath.

"No, sorry babe."

"Ok, we'll just have bagels for breakfast and use paper towels so we don't generate more dishes this morning. Sit down - you don't want to be late for the bus."

"MP? what's that in the living room?"

"Gah! Abby crapped on the carpet in there - I'm about to go deal with it after I get the kids some breakfast. Crap! I can't even wash my hands in the sink!"

"Hey, do you think you could iron my shirt for me? It's got a few too many wrinkles for me to wear it today."

"ok, just put it in the laundry room and I'll do it. Watch out for the steaming pile in the living room, though."

MP irons Mr. Chick's shirt as the kids eat, not even having had her first cup of coffee.

"here's your shirt. I'm going to clean up that mess in the living room. Nicholas! Please go get your shoes on and grab your coat and backpack!"

MP kneeling, in her bathrobe, over the dogshit on the living room carpet which resembles more a dropping of wet cement than something organic produced by a sick dog. Armed with a fresh roll of paper towels and half a bottle of Pet & Kid Stain Remover, and only breathing through her mouth, she begins the unpleasant chore. Small amounts of gagging occur.

"Mama, I want to help you."

"Lauren! Stay far away from here! You can't help me with this."

"But I no touch it, Mama - I just watch you. ok?"


"MP? Abby crapped more down here. A few times."


"Yeah, I see what you mean about it looking like wet cement. And oh yeah, last night I started working on the broken tp holder down here, so try to keep the kids out of this bathroom today."

"Nicholas! C'mon honey, you've GOT to get your shoes on and put your homework in your backpack. The bus is almost here!"

"but mama, I can't put my socks on! I keep getting them twisted up. Can you help me?"

"Daddy! Please help Nicholas with his socks so he won't be late. I'm still trying to clean up the first pile in the living room. NO LAUREN, you CAN'T help! STAY OUT!"

"Babe, does this shirt go ok with these pants?"


"mama, nevermind. I got my socks AND shoes on all by myself, see?"


"Mama, I finish my bagel. Can I watch cartoons? Please help me with my cartoons."

"Just a minute Lauren. Nicholas, do you have everything for school? Yes? OK, time to go outside for the bus. I love you."

"bye, mama!"

"MP, Abby got it in quite a few places down here...."

"I'll get it, just let me have some coffee first." MP goes into non-functioning kitchen and realizes she can't dump the last dregs of yesterdays coffee into the sink and must get the water from the bathroom instead. At this point she's seriously thinking of just going back to bed and starting over.

"babe, I gotta go. Have you seen my keys and money clip?"


"I found 'em. I'm not sure what time I'll be home tonight. I'll call you later. Love you."

"mama, can I play on the 'puter?"

"No, Lauren. I need to finish cleaning up this mess. You just stay right there and watch your cartoon, ok?'

MP gets first mess cleaned up in the living room and is somewhat impressed that the stain remover seems to have worked pretty well. Heads down to the playroom to tackle the next steaming pile...

"OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE MY DOG! Seriously, something is wrong with her." MP surveys the disaster zone where her children play. Notices the two large wet cement-like piles right off the bat, next to which is a big lake of urine soaking the carpet, and then she sees the plethora of little squirts all around the room as if the dog was turning circles with its intestinal agony, dripping liquid crap as she went.

"mama, where are you?"

"Lauren, STAY OUT!"

"But I wanna play on 'puter!"

"Not now, honey. Mama's busy trying not to get sick as she cleans up down here. Stay by the TV, please!"

Nearly a roll of paper towels later, most of the mess is cleaned up. To MP's dismay, she runs out of stain remover/carpet cleaner after the bigger piles and is without anything to deal with the squirts in the rest of the room, or the urine lake. So now both the kitchen, playroom, and downstairs bathroom are unusuable and/or under quarantine, and the living room is questionable. MP finally gets her first cup of coffee, which surprisingly isn't soothing her queasy, repulsed stomach. She's not sure she can manage eating anything for breakfast yet.

End scene.

PS - this awful morning is offset just a bit by the good news that my youngest sister and her husband announced they are expecting their first baby in the fall. yay! AND, I was hired for the Child Watch in YMCA. I go in later today to do all the necessary paperwork. Bright spots for sure in the dark clouds of my morning. I think Lauren and I are going to hibernate in my room for the rest of the morning, one of the only rooms not befouled, it seems, and stop by the store for more stain remover after my appointment at the YMCA. Then maybe the kids can regain use of the playroom. My kitchen, however, might be another story.....

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