Friday, November 17, 2006

Crumbs On The Floor Of Life

I'm feeling a bit scattered lately, so this might be all over the map. First: TGIF! Finally, the weekend is here. Well, almost here. Still have to get through today. But the best part? I'm having my girlfriends over tonight for Wine & Dessert Night. I've been desperately craving some socializing time lately, so this is exactly what I need. And as a bonus, since it's at my house, I don't have to worry about driving home and can get my drink on! It's been a hard week and I really want to let my hair down and have some fun with my friends.

The kids are driving me CRAZY. Seriously. I nearly dissolved into a puddle of tears a couple of times yesterday. I'm OTR, so I"m hormonal - a big contributing factor to the "I'm losing my shit" sensation. And the kids have had minor colds - another big contributing factor in my desire to kick their butts into next week and just be done with it already. Geez! We haven't exactly been gelling well over here. Lots of tension on my part. Too much yelling (me), not enough listening (them), and too much fighting (all of us). It's been really unpleasant, frankly.

Nicholas has been copping a very major "know it all" attitude that just rubs me the wrong way. Gah! He just assumes he can do something because he's seen us to do and feels he knows how. Whether or not he should do it, or is allowed to do it, doesn't factor in to his wee 5 yr old brain. Like when he decided to make himself breakfast. Which is a good thing, right? Most of the time I'd be down with it, but he was making himself a fried egg. He fully expected to be able to pull a stool up to the stove, turn the burner on, and crack the egg into the pan all by himself because I let him HELP me do it the day before. He conveniently forgot the part about him not being allowed to touch the stove.... and THEN he had the gall to get all huffy and indignant and downright pissed off when I told him in no uncertain terms was he to be touching, using, turning on the stove period. "But MooommmMM (ah, my ears! they bleed with the whining!) I can do it! I'll be careful. See? You just put the pan here and turn this knob that says "front" to here, put in some butter until it's melted, and ..." NO! Step away from the stove. Now. Followed by angry and frustrated harumphs and grumbles and door slamming. Oh yes, it's been a real party. He's been a real shit towards his sister, too, with a never-ending barrage of taunts and teases. Lots of "nah nah nah" stuff that is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to me.

And Lauren's no princess these days, either. She's been resorting to physical hitting to retaliate against Nicholas. She's bitched-slapped him more than once (which he might have had coming, but I can't allow it anyway. Damn), which makes my overly-dramatic son start screaming like a banshee, even though he started it. Then the fighting really starts and I end up with two screaming and crying kids that I have to separate. God, it's exhausting and I'm tired of it.

I've been feeling isolated and trapped. Mr. Chick has been gone an awful lot, so I'm lonely and on my own. Because of the ridiculous morning Kindergarten hours, there isn't a lot I can do in the morning with Lauren. So we're home most mornings until Nicholas gets back. Then we have something in the afternoon (swimming lessons, spanish class, working out, etc.), but that's for the kids and not exactly a fun social outing for me. It's not like I get to visit with people I know and are friends with. Then it's dinner and the kids are in bed by 7:30pm. Which means I'm now trapped at home all evening long. Just me and the tv. I'm bored. But because money is still pretty tight around here, it's not like I could just go out and do something different even if I could leave. So home I stay.

But I've been checking out the job listings. I've dusted off my resume and have even applied to a few positions. Most of them want full-time, which I am NOT interested in, but I send in my resume anyway on the off-chance that they might be flexible. Part-time is the most I could consider. But there aren't a lot of professional-level part-time jobs in my field that pay enough to make it worth it. I'd have to find a preschool/daycare program for Lauren (now that she's 3 I'm ok with considering it) and something for Nicholas after school as well. But working half-day mornings or something might be just the thing I need to perk me up. Bring in a few extra bucks and give me an outlet. I'm feeling ready. But it has to be a good opportunity for me to do it. I'm not going to take just any job if the conditions aren't right. As much as my kids are difficult right now, I'm not willing to just dump them somewhere for a mediocre job with no upside growth potential. It's gotta be something that would make it worth it to overcome the guilt.

So now I'm going to go tidy up for my party tonight. WooHoo! I'm SO looking forward to connecting with my friends again. I thought I'd be seeing them more frequently since moving back, but sadly, that isn't happening often enough. People are just busy with their lives and routines. I'm just as much to blame for it as anyone else. But when we can get together we make the most of it, so tonight should be a good time. Tomorrow may be a completely different story. Gotta be sure to have the Tylenol handy....


No doubt, life with little kiddos is not easy! The funny thing is, even though I *finally* have a job (teacher), I am still with kids all day, no grown-ups to talk to, and after work, same deal because my hubby is out with musical rehearsals/performances. AND money is still tight. sigh. I hope you have a rip-roaring good girls' night tonight!!! Get your drinky-dessert on for me, too! ;-)
I just had to say that the description of Nicholas and Lauren right now sound IDENTICAL to Collin and Ireland. It's GOT to be the ages they are now. I thought I was the only one about to tear my freakin hair out over how they've been acting. All hell breaks lose once Collin get's home from school. I could use a huge glass of that wine right now...!
Your post made me glad that I just have one headstrong 6-year-old. I can just imagine the bickering between siblings if we had another. Hope your girl's night was a blast--sounds like fun to me!
I can totally relate to your frustration! Nicholas really sounds like a lot to handle. This kind of behavior is exactly the reason I had my child evaluated, and subsequetly medicated around this age. If it were not for this, I would have been driven to drink as well.
I hope you find that job you are looking for, and you get away from the behavior problems you are left to handle all alone.
Take care of yourself, Emma.
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