Monday, July 10, 2006
Be Careful What You Wish For
I had my dr. appt. today. Peed in the cup, had my blood drawn, checked my blood pressure. All the usual. Then came the time when the dr. wanted to do an ultrasound to get an exact date on the pregnancy. The oh-so-fun vaginal wand variety ultrasound.
And...
There was a lot of "hmmm's" and "ummmm's" happening. Then I was asked to go empty my bladder again because that can interfere with the ultrasound. Um, ok. I hit the bathroom, pee, and return to assume the position yet again. I get Round 2 of the wand and am watching the screen with renewed interest. After more checking and more hemming and hawing, the dr. tells me that yes, I am pregnant but she's having trouble finding the fetus. She sees a rather large gestational sac, but no yolk sac and no fetus. I see what she's looking at. A big black empty space. Finally, after tweaking the wand severely to one side (ouch!) she thinks she sees something. Something. She measures it, and if it's fetal, it's smaller than it should be. She tells me, "maybe, just maybe, this pregnancy wasn't meant to be". Well, no shit. I could have told you that.
She told me she can't be completely certain, but chances are good that I'll miscarry in the next week or so. I'm supposed to return for a follow-up in 2 weeks to see where we are, and to call sooner if I start bleeding and need something for pain.
If I'm being completely honest, my reaction to this news was one of relief. Just relief. Not sadness, not worry that something might be wrong with the baby. Just relief that it's probably over. It wasn't meant to be. I KNEW that in my heart, and to have it confirmed physically just sort of validates how I was feeling. I confess to secretly wishing for this. I don't have to continue to feel crappy about this unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. About feeling completely ambivalent about our 3rd child. There ISN'T a 3rd child. It wasn't meant to be. The guilt - all the tremendous, overwhelming guilt - about wishing this had never happened in the first place has evaporated. I feel a million times lighter. Sweet relief that I don't have to deal with this, because, let's face it, I wasn't dealing well. I was completely floundering. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT looking forward to the physical process of miscarrying, but the emotional relief I'm already experiencing from the news completely offsets the physical discomfort.
It wasn't meant to be - not emotionally, not physically. It simply wasn't meant to be.
Music to my ears. Heartless as that sounds, it's music to my ears. I practically skipped out of the office and couldn't wait to tell Mr. Chick. Never in my life has the news of impending miscarriage been good news, but in this case, it's great news. It solves all our problems about this pregnancy. He was relieved as well. He hugged me, asked if I was ok, and started breathing again. He's already made the appointment for his vasectomy next month, and we've read all the material they mailed to us.
It wasn't meant to be. Now life can return to normal. Think of me what you will for my unorthodox reaction, but I feel like a wrong has been righted and everything is back to where it should be. Now I can just put this whole horrible ordeal behind me and get on with the business of living my life, the way I've always envisioned it.
It wasn't meant to be.
And...
There was a lot of "hmmm's" and "ummmm's" happening. Then I was asked to go empty my bladder again because that can interfere with the ultrasound. Um, ok. I hit the bathroom, pee, and return to assume the position yet again. I get Round 2 of the wand and am watching the screen with renewed interest. After more checking and more hemming and hawing, the dr. tells me that yes, I am pregnant but she's having trouble finding the fetus. She sees a rather large gestational sac, but no yolk sac and no fetus. I see what she's looking at. A big black empty space. Finally, after tweaking the wand severely to one side (ouch!) she thinks she sees something. Something. She measures it, and if it's fetal, it's smaller than it should be. She tells me, "maybe, just maybe, this pregnancy wasn't meant to be". Well, no shit. I could have told you that.
She told me she can't be completely certain, but chances are good that I'll miscarry in the next week or so. I'm supposed to return for a follow-up in 2 weeks to see where we are, and to call sooner if I start bleeding and need something for pain.
If I'm being completely honest, my reaction to this news was one of relief. Just relief. Not sadness, not worry that something might be wrong with the baby. Just relief that it's probably over. It wasn't meant to be. I KNEW that in my heart, and to have it confirmed physically just sort of validates how I was feeling. I confess to secretly wishing for this. I don't have to continue to feel crappy about this unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. About feeling completely ambivalent about our 3rd child. There ISN'T a 3rd child. It wasn't meant to be. The guilt - all the tremendous, overwhelming guilt - about wishing this had never happened in the first place has evaporated. I feel a million times lighter. Sweet relief that I don't have to deal with this, because, let's face it, I wasn't dealing well. I was completely floundering. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT looking forward to the physical process of miscarrying, but the emotional relief I'm already experiencing from the news completely offsets the physical discomfort.
It wasn't meant to be - not emotionally, not physically. It simply wasn't meant to be.
Music to my ears. Heartless as that sounds, it's music to my ears. I practically skipped out of the office and couldn't wait to tell Mr. Chick. Never in my life has the news of impending miscarriage been good news, but in this case, it's great news. It solves all our problems about this pregnancy. He was relieved as well. He hugged me, asked if I was ok, and started breathing again. He's already made the appointment for his vasectomy next month, and we've read all the material they mailed to us.
It wasn't meant to be. Now life can return to normal. Think of me what you will for my unorthodox reaction, but I feel like a wrong has been righted and everything is back to where it should be. Now I can just put this whole horrible ordeal behind me and get on with the business of living my life, the way I've always envisioned it.
It wasn't meant to be.
// posted by MP @ 9:05 PM 
Comments:
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Wow. Well, everything is happening the way it is for a reason. I am glad and relieved for you, and I hope the rest of this passes quickly so you can do whatever it is that you were meant to do.
Tell Mr. Chick that my hubby had the "V" done last summer, and the drugs prior to the surgery were fantastic! He was sooooo doped up, I still laugh when I think about it.
Tell Mr. Chick that my hubby had the "V" done last summer, and the drugs prior to the surgery were fantastic! He was sooooo doped up, I still laugh when I think about it.
# posted by 
: 9:49 PM
: 9:49 PM
Hey...I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago. I am very happy for you that this turned out that way you wished. My husband had the "V" done a few months ago. He had no drugs other than a local anesthetic and ran a 10K 5 days later...:)
I have to admit it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around, having gone through that and having it be the worst days of my life. I do understand your situation though and it does confirms that most of the time, the good lord knows what is best! I"m glad you are feeling at peace with this, that is the only way to have it happen
Wow, wow! I don't know what else to say. Well, except...enjoy getting your life back; hope that doesn't sound too bad.
I had a m/c at home, and it wasn't bad and ended quickly. Just have some Advil nearby.
My hubby is set to have the big "V" in two weeks, and I am feeling relieved myself.
I had a m/c at home, and it wasn't bad and ended quickly. Just have some Advil nearby.
My hubby is set to have the big "V" in two weeks, and I am feeling relieved myself.
Whew. Crisis averted! Things always have a way of working out, don't they?
Hope the m/c is quick and as painless as possible. Lots of good vibes sent your way!
(PS- I had just composed a long reply to your e-mail this weekend, but hadn't sent it. No need for that now!)
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Hope the m/c is quick and as painless as possible. Lots of good vibes sent your way!
(PS- I had just composed a long reply to your e-mail this weekend, but hadn't sent it. No need for that now!)
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