Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Fat and Unworthy
- I'm too fat. I believe his actual words were "you are not at a weight I'm comfortable with."
- I'm disrepectful towards him. I take too long to do the things he asks me to do. Plus I was cutting on him when a friend was over (I was thinking I was being funny, making little digs and razzing him. He took it very personally)
I feel like shit. Yeah, I guess I was making little digs about him a lot that day and he was hurt by that. Hence the cold-shoulder treatment I was getting for a day or so. He admitted he was having a hard time getting past it. But on my end, he's been making little digs about my weight for awhile now. I confess to being hyper-sensitive about my weight, so it's possible that a lot of what he's been saying wasn't intentioned as hints or anything, but I took it to be. He would say things like, "you USED to be so toned and foxy back in college", and "so - have you lost any weight yet for the wedding?", etc. Doesn't do a lot for my self-image. I brought this up to him during our fight last night and that's when he told me point-blank that I'm too fat. Period. That hurt me - deeply. I have gained about 15 pounds since getting married. But let's not forget that I've also had 2 kids (although I hate using pregnancy has a weight excuse). I'm no scrawny babe. I've never been little. But I'm not a hideous, fat/obese monstronsity, either. I wear between a size 10 and a size 12. I'd LIKE to be an 8, but I'm OK with being a 10. 12 feels too big for me personally. Apparently it's WAY too big for him. My belly is my biggest problem spot. It's just not the same since having 2 babies. I work out regularly 3 times a week. It's my diet that's slowly getting worse. My portions are getting bigger and bigger. I'm not drinking enough water. Plus, I haven't reacted well to being back on the pill. My system is totally out of whack. Blah blah blah. That's not the point. The point is is that is shouldn't matter what size I am as long as I'm healthy, active, and working on it. I feel very strong. I actually feel that I look decent. But now I'm questioning myself. He's making me doubt myself. I'm feeling very frumpy and unattractive. It sucks.
Our fight has me feeling that I'm unworthy and he's perfect. He's a saint that always keeps me top of mind and he always considers how everything he does might impact me, yadda yadda. I, on the other hand, disrespect him. I cut him off or interrupt him when he's speaking, I take too long or drag my feet doing something he's asked me to do, and I don't do enough of the little things that would make him feel loved (for example, just picking up his foot to rub it when we're sitting on the couch together). He might have a point there because he does give me a lot of backrubs and such. So see? Unworthy. He does more for me than I do for him is the message I got. Nice feeling, huh?
I brought up the fact that, although it was no 1 carat diamond, I DID get him a beautiful leather coat for graduation. It wasn't cheap, and I don't earn any money. I had to save whatever money does come my way, budget and plan to get him that coat, and he barely looked at it. I got very little reaction from him. To me, it's a big fucking deal. If you hate it, fine, but fake it for me and give show some appreciation for the thought and effort that went into getting it. Be a little gracious. I'm making a big deal about the gifts you gave me, partially to make you feel good as the giver. Throw me a bone and do the same for me. TELL someone that I got you a cool coat. Fuss over it. Inspect it and do all the ooh's and ahhh's that lets a person know you appreciate the gift they gave you. Damn! But all I got was a very tepid reaction and now it's hanging in the closet, still in the bag, like it was nothing. Granted, the sleeves are too long so he'll need to get a different one, but then DO THAT, or at least say you want to. It hurts my feelings. Just one more thing that hurt my feelings last night. I tell you, I was feeling mighty low. When I brought all this up he tells me that he's always been funny about receiving gifts (duh- I know this by now and I've said something to you about it before), and that getting clothes in particular bugs him. He said he used to hate it when his mom would give him clothes. Gee, thanks a lot for comparing me to your psycho, fucked-up mother.
So anyway, I had my few minutes of private time to sob my eyes out and purge myself of all the hurt. We never yelled or screamed at each other - just talked - but words can hurt. I hurt him with my bitchy digs/criticisms, he hurt me with his words about my weight. Ok, we're even. We were able to tell each other that we love each other and kiss and make up, but my heart is still heavy today. I'm not over it. The fight is over, but I'm still reeling in the aftermath. It's all left me feeling unworthy and less-than. It's the only word that seems to come close to accurately describing my state of being right now.
Gee, aren't I excited to now have to drive in a car with this man for 12 hours tomorrow on our way to my sisters wedding?? I don't feel like talking to him much, so this trip could be disasterous. I fucking hate this. I feel like crying all over again just rehashing it all here. I think maybe I will.
mom to Becca, age 4
I wish I had some ass-vice about how to get over it, but I'm not good at letting things go or forgetting snarky, mean comments. Especially about how I look.
I hope you have a good weekend at the wedding nonetheless! Make sure to take pictures for us!
I am so sorry you had that fight. Fighting sucks, no matter what the reason. But I have to say I think that commenting on your weight is an off limits topic. I don't think any person has a say in what you weigh. I HATE it when I hear guys say their wives weigh too much. I just don't think it's cool to do. And the fact is -- you DON'T weigh too much -- I have seen the pictures. I know fighting is never one sided but that argument is not cool. I'd open up a can of wup ass on him -- but I don't think he'd see it from Canada:)
Enjoy your trip -- really!
I'm sorry that your husband is talking without running the ideas through his brain first--yuck.
Your comments on the coat got me thinking--have you heard of the book "The 5 Love Languages"? Someone gave it to us as a wedding present and it was really helpful. The explanation is that each person has a different way of showing love and if you show love by giving gifts (for example), but your husband feels love when you rub his feet, neither of you get much out of it. I think the five were talking, physical acts, gifts, doing projects, and... something I've forgotten. Anyway, it's worth a read, even if things are peachy between you now.
Amy F (againstthegrain.com)
glad you are strong, and who knows...maybe he was PMSing too lol