Saturday, July 01, 2006

Slow Going

Many of you asked about Mr. Chick's reaction to the news. Well, since it was delivered between sobs and tears, his reaction was one of stunned silence. He didn't see this coming. Neither of us did. We're still trying to wrap our brains around this, and it's not easy.

He held me and let me cry. He told me he loved me. He brought me a pretty bouquet of flowers yesterday. He's letting me talk all I need to. And I need to a lot. I cry a lot, too. Everyday. He's being very supportive. We both feel stupid for allowing this to happen, even unintentionally. There is a heaviness to the air around us - we're both walking around in a depressed fog.

He doesn't want this any more than I do. This wasn't in our plan. It's hard to comes to terms with this. It doesn't feel like good news just yet.

I'm starting to feel the first signs of morning sickness. Or maybe it's side-effects from all the shock and stress this has created in me. Regardless, I'm tired. A lot. And my tummy is feeling nauseated. No food sounds appealing, yet food is what I need to temporarily quell the nausea. Gah - I hate the 1st trimester!

I received an insurance statement from my annual exam I had done recently, and it made me remember that I was just about to start my period when I had that appointment for my Pap. I must have started a few days later. The date was May 17th, so my period probably started around the 20th or so. That puts me at 5 weeks, according to the pregnancy calendars. Just about the time I started feeling like crap with my other pregnancies. It puts my due date at the end of Feb, early March.

I want to pretend this isn't happening. So far, nothing about this has been good. I know I need to find an OB/GYN and make my first appointment, but I'm dragging my feet. My family doc did my annual and I don't have a new OB since the move (different insurance and location makes me want to find a new one from the one I had when I delivered Nicholas. Lauren was born in Eugene, so that isn't an option this time around.)

I went to the YMCA yesterday with the kids so I could workout. And just as you notice a ton of the car you like on the roads when you're in the market for a new one, I'm suddenly seeing pregnant women everywhere. Before, when I wanted to be pregnant, I felt an immediate kinship with these women. If it was early in the pregnancy and no one could tell yet, I wanted to tap them on the shoulders and announce, "me too!". I noticed all the darling babies and couldn't wait to hold my own in my arms and be like those women. Now? Now it's completely the opposite. Now I see a mom with two young kids about the ages of mine, AND carrying an infant carrier. In other words, me in another 8-9 months. She didn't look happy. She looked tired and haggard. She looked hassled. She looked like she was taking it day by day and just getting by. Survival mode. Just like I will look.

Forgive me for feeling so negative. Right now, this whole thing feels very negative. It feels wrong. We have yet to find a way to see things in a more positive light. Mr. Chick and I are on the same page and our immediate reactions were the same: shock and horror. Not giggles and happiness and feelings of being "blessed". If this makes me a bad person in your eyes, so be it. I'm just being truthful as I sort out this new life-altering event.

Thanks for all your kind words and your continued understanding as we get through this. It's just a hard, hard time for us emotionally.

No need to apologize for how you're feeling, MP. Like you said- this wasn't in your plans. You were supposed to be done with this phase of your life.

My younger sister was unplanned. My mom discovering that she was pregnant completely and totally changed the course of my family's life and my dad's career.

There's no delicate way to ask this, but is termination an option? (If I'm too nosy, feel free to ignore that question.)

As for feeling happy/excited, I think you and Mr. Chick will get there. It'll just take some time.
Hi MP,

Your post is a real reminder for my husband and I do make some definite plan about our reproductive future. We are both 34 and have two (boy/girl, youngest 4) and have felt that we were done but felt that we were too young to make a permanent choice. I don't want another baby or to go back to that point in my life, ever.

I am thinking about you and your husband. Perhaps this is just a different path you didn't see but may lead to the same or even a better life.
Hi MP,

I posted the incredibly long post the other day and I just want to reiterate that I understand where you're coming from. To be honest, after finding out I was pregnant this time, I actually spent a few weeks feeling progressively worse about it before I started feeling better. It was like as the shock wore off, I became more depressed about the situation. And, like I mentioned before, I felt I had few resources who could understand how what I was going through. It was like I was somehow a bad mom to not want to be pregnant again. After all, I knew firsthand that kids were a blessing so why wouldn't I be happy about one more. That said, once the first trimester was over and I started feeling better physically, I also started to feel better emotionally. I know that probably feels a lifetime away to you right now but you will get there. I'm assuming that termination isn't an option for you based on the vibe I've gotten from previous posts but of course I could be wrong about this (no judgement here if you are considering termination by the way). If I'm right though and you are planning to continue the pregnancy, I really believe that you will also come to a place of acceptance and happiness about it. It will just take time, probably more than you want it to. Don't try to force yourself to feel differently before you're ready. Just live day by day for now and do whatever you need to to function.

Well, it looks like I've written another book. I just can't seem to help myself because I so empathasize with your situation.

Take care,

You have every right to your feelings...that's why they are your feelings. Hopefully before long you will the reason for this being as it is. I'm one of those people that can NEVER see a bad thing about a baby. I've had relatives get pg at a young age when it wasn't particularly to their liking (or their parents) but even then, I could only imagine the sweetness of a new baby cuddled up. It won't be long and you will start to see folks that have the energy to tackle 3 children and you will know that you can do it, you just gotta get used to the idea of doing it. As for the sickness, stock up on the staples for morning sickness, suckers did it for me, mostly lime ones or something odd and that will make your other kiddo's happy too...who doesn't love a good sucker.

Keep your perspective and know that this IS part of the plan for your life and you know just have to make the best of it and roll with a new plan. Good luck lady and I really do look forward to following this pregnancy journey with you.
Hopefully before long you will the reason for this being as it is

That sentence should have read

Hopefully before long you will realize the reason for this pg to be as it is.
You are not a bad person.
You are just scared and overwhelmed.
I was thinking that maybe I sounded to giggly about your situation yesterday, and now I feel bad. It is understandable that you are apprehensive. I think Kate said she would be throwing up her toenails ( or something like that ) and I am thining I would be you are definitly not over-reacting. It is a big deal, and it is scary. I am sorry. It is hard to know what to say, but I feel for you. :|
"Is termination an option?"

I have to admit that I nearly spit my effin drink out over that one. Shock I guess.
thinking of you. It's going to be okay. Know those words offer little comfort but everything happens for a reason and it will be okay, I promise. You are strong and healthy. And someday you will look back and say "now I know why this happened" :)

Oh, and you are a good person! Totally entitled to your feelings! Take time. Time is on your side.
I'm sorry too MP. It's a lot to deal with right now. I'm glad you and the hubs have each other and can move through this together.
I am totally understanding of your feelings!I have 2 kids, like you, a boy 6 and a girl almost 4. I would be totally shocked and upset if I became pg right now. It is not in my plan right now at all. I am entering nursing school this fall and to be pg would really screw up all plans. I always think what if I am the 0.1% (or whatever it is) that fails on the IUD??? I know people do get pg on birth control but I don't want to be one of them! I am sure you will get used to the idea and it will eventually be a blessing! Just make sure to get on some good BC after this one!! I'm thinking you guys will be getting something permanant done to prevent another oops!! Thinking of you and take care.
I have been in your shoes. My son was 8 and my daughter 3 when I got pg w/ my "surprise" baby. I was v. upset - hubby was more "what will be will be". He said I know you as soon as this baby is born you'll be in love. Of course he was right. But it was hard at first - I didn't even tell anyone until I was almost 4 months! But now 2 and a half years later, I can look at your situation from a different perspective. You will get through this. I am not trying to sound glib or corny but we are grateful everyday for our surprise and I think one day you will be too.

Wishing you the best,
Lisa from VA
Mr. Chick sounds like good people to me. I understand his shock, but the simple act of sending flowers -- while not seeming like a big deal -- speaks volumes on how much he cares about you and wants to make you feel better.

I don't judge you at all for not being happy right now. This wasn't in the plan, wasn't what you had intended at all. I hope you can continue to share your feelings and get support here -- since you aren't ready to share with the real world as yet.
MP! Of course you are bummed - don't worry about stepping on anyone's toes with your reaction! You have every right to feel totally depressed. Your life was set - Nicholas starting school, Lauren potty training, new house, new career for Mr. Chick, new sense of freedom for MP - then, WHAMMY!

Yes, infertility sufferer's will probably be all, "I would kill for your problem" etc, etc. But they aren't you and you ain't them, sister!!!

I wish you the best and I hope acceptance comes quickly (and maybe even with a little excitement).
I have also been in your shoes, MP. I remember feeling exactly as you are feeling throughout most of my "surprise" pregnancy, and I also remember seeing moms with little kids and big bellies and thinking that they looked tired, etc. Wondering what life had in store for me and all of the big plans I had that did not include another baby. Here I am, with 3 kids (12,3, and 1.5) and I love #3 more than I thought I could. She is a joy and so different from the other two girls (in a good way!). It's an adventure. I know it doesn't feel so great right now, but try to take it one day at a time. You can do this. I am thinking of you.
Thinking of you.


I don't think you are a bad person at all. This has totally blindsided you and thrown your family and plans for it off balance. It'll take a while to get used to the idea. So you just hang in there and know we're all sending supportive, loving thoughts your way!
You know, even though I am infertile, I completely understand. I have two children now, and am done. I don't think you're horrible. I think you're human. My husband and I would react the same way now, not that giggly stage you descibed so well. In fact, hubby has the big V in three weeks. These things DO happen, and it doesn't mean you're an idiot for taking a risk. BTW, I'm sure hubby and I will be taking a 'risk' again this month, which could be interpreted by many as stupid since we know three 'infertiles' who have just delivered babies, so there you go. We just never think it'll really happen to us, huh?

Give yourself time to digest this info. It will all work out in the end. It really will.
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